Shanelle.

when you get older, you may wonder a couple things:

One: why i gave you the middle name Shanelle and

Two: Why i rarely call you by the whole thing.

Shane was a good friend of mine. I met him while working at tmobile, where daddy and i met. The place i now consider to be such a pivotal place and such an important time in my life.

he sat across from me, and we immediately became friends. Id sit and tease him as he took calls and i sat in silence. Id send him emails to lighten his mood when he was swamped with work.

we'd often send each other song lyrics to pass the monotony of the day, or just carry out conversations via email because there was no time for talking. come to think of it, those emails could have landed us in the corporate doghouse because of their off the wall nature and lack of business oriented conversation. We laughed, we vented, we smiled and we got to know each other through email.

he was kind hearted, a skinny musician with an unusual voice and a big heart.

I remember one of the first days we knew each other he asked me to go have ice cream with him :) for 40 hours a week we spent together, and then it progressed to being around each other often outside of work. both single, we had no other obligations, and we'd just enjoy each others company.

Id go to his shows, hang out with him and our mutual friends, or just listen to him play music in his apartment above the check cashing place.

i think we both liked that best; just him playing guitar and singing while i sat in his presence.

we would sing a couple songs together, with our misfit voices, sometimes repeatedly. he wouldnt end the song, instead he would improvise a transition on the guitar to loop so we could continue singing. "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay as well as "Slide" and "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls were the norm. He was VERY kind. We'd have some of the best conversations about nothing, and then suddenly be in deep conversation about life and goals and love and family and happiness. He lived tot he beat of his own drum. He would wear skinny jeans and tight shirts. He had emo hair and the largest eyebrows (even bigger than mahmee and daddy's). He had big eyes, and big lips and he was scrawny, a self described "skinny weiner" who couldnt gain an OUNCE even though he stuffed his face a lot.

we'd spend a lot of our time together surrounded by our favorite thing: FOOD. He invited me over to his mothers house and introduced myself and our friend Chad to his family as we sat around tacos and chile relleno burritos.

We'd take off on our lunches and go to Taco Bell and fill up on Grilled Stuft Burritos and soft tacos with extra sour cream. We'd go to Applebees and have pasta.

We went out once for a photo shoot, and I spent the day taking pictures of him in this hideous velvet suit with a goldenrod undershirt, snapping photos of him in his element, playing with his guitar and pretending to be a rockstar. it was perfect.

When we werent together we would text, or call, or even Myspace each other. I recall one time in particular after our Applebee's adventure when some fettucine had made me ill he commented to me "You get better cupcake". or another time when he sent me a message online that said "Rachel May! Im You're Number 1 Fan!"

little things like that let me know he cared. i recall spending countless meetings at work sharing mt dew and starburst together. passing notes and not at all paying attention. Yet he performed well, as did i, and i think our friendship had a lot to do with that. Every day before we got off work whoever got off first would pass by the other and say goodbye to the other.

in February of 2005 he left work after our shift and I never got the chance to talk to him again.

He was driving in a car with his friends, sitting in the backseat, when they decided to take the long way home. While driving faster than he should have, the driver lost control of the car, and Shane was injured very badly. He didnt make it.

I think about him a lot. His pictures are in our house. Everytime i hear Love Song for a Savior I think of the time I spent with him. Im pretty sure I havent eaten fettucine alfredo since he passed. SOmetimes I feel like the memories i remember are nothing more than a dream, sometimes the days are hard, sometimes they are easy. Sometimes I feel like im forgetting the things i hold dear that make him real to me.

at your baby shower one of our guests asked me if we had decided on middle names. I broke down before i could even say it because even saying the name out loud is difficult at times. but im SO proud of it. Shane was such a HUGE part of mahmee's life. and I am so sad he didnt get to emet my babies and know me to be a mother, but i am VERY glad that he got to watch out for you both in my tummy, and tell yuou stories and sing you to sleep until you could be here with me.

i love you baby, and i hope youre just like him when you grow up.

forgive me for being so paranoid all the time. sometimes i worry too much, but thats only because i miss him, and my other people i have lost (we'll save those stories for another day).

i am so proud to be your mahmee.

wear your name proud sweets, it was picked out in the ultimatest love ever.