lets chat about help.

a few years ago I was living on my own while daddy and I were separated and things were rough. I worked a ton, had a lot of bills and things werent easy but i made it through. 

fast forward to now, Daddy and I have each other, and you both! and things still are sometimes tight. 

this quarter was rough, a few unexpected expenses had us in a  tight spot, and I went in to a building with nice people, explained my situation and they are helping us with some things. 

this is not my first go around with government assistance. When i was little, i was a recipient of government assistance all the time. I vowed never to put my family in that situation. 

and then i had you. 

and from THAT moment i vowed to do whatever it takes to keep you healthy, make you proud, and ensure your safety and happiness. 

it can be hard. 

you see there is NOTHING shameful about taking a little help when you need it. NOTHING. as long as you are a good person, honest and honorable and you do your share to contribute to this world during your highs, then you should be allowed to make it through your lows with dignity. 

today, i didnt get dignity. i got shame and embarrassment. 

ill paint a picture for you and hopefully you will see where im coming from. 

i held up a line of 16 at a checkout tonight for the foods i purchased with our assistance (WIC for those wondering). all healthy options, all good nutritional foods. it took a VERY long time for the cashier to scan each individual jar of baby food and produce and whatnot and people were NOT happy. 

i was wearing my wedding ring, carrying my nine west bag, wearing my nice skinny jeans and designer top. I had my smartphone and my long hipster scarf. one mightve even thought "hmmm i think i saw her at the blazer game the other day driving that cute little car!"

the looks i got from a couple people were burning me. some made snarky comments about the wait, even a store clerk mantioned something about this hold up. some stood in silence but their judgemental looks didnt lie. i was beet red, couldnt make eye contract and was about to cry. 

what they didnt know is that my nine west bag was a find at the By The Pound goodwill where you pay for your items by the pound. that beauty cost me $1.39! my clothes? all hand me downs from Aunt D after she went down a size. my ring was bought in feb 2010 (just a few months before our separeation forced us to live much more modestly) on clearance when daddy and i made 90k between the both of us and our income also contributed to government programs. my phone IS a smartphone, that was free because daddy works for the company and received a discount. my hispter scarf was made by me 2 years ago during our separation when i didnt use the heat even once. instead we used blankets and the fireplace and handmade items like my scarves. we preplanned our birthday gift to each other (our traditional blazer games) before the season even began as we do every year, and my cute little car is a 5 year old car we bought new that i am still paying on...not a recent purchase. we recently got rid of daddys beloved caddilac for a volvo wagon to save on gas and maintenance costs per year. 

whats the point of this? 

certainly not to get your pity, babies. 

my point is actualy multiple points. 

1. it is okay to stumble sometimes. be it karma, divine intervention, mummy and daddy, or the government programs intervening...you will be taken care of should you need a temporary boost. additionally...i will ALWAYS do EVERYTHING in my power to help either of you whenever you need. you are my babies, my life, my hearts and moon and sun. and i will never let you fail if i have a say in it. 

2. do not judge anyone you see. ever. you do not know their life, their story. i encourage you to get to know people, learn their stories and love them with a divine compassion. but if you dont (and lets face it you WONT know FAR more people than you WILL), do not judge them on their appearance. 

you just dont know. 

3. we are here to take care of our fellow man and woman. we are here to ensure happiness and health. be it happily paying taxes that assist mums like me and babies like you, or giving a helping hand do something to give back my loves. the world has helped us out so many times. 

4. it is my hope that by the time you read this at 16 or 18 or 35, that you dont remember any hardships, but its also my hope you subconscious holds onto enough to be compassionate. i want you to know we never allowed you to go cold or hungry. and we always put you first. always. but second, was always "tithing" or in our case "giving back". if we have $30 left we buy some food for our tummies and then gonate a few bucks where its needed and where we can spare it. its that important. 

hard times are hard...but also temporary. 

good times are good, and sometimes temporary. 

just keep moving, keep going, play it safe sometimes and smart all the time. save money, save people, and love. lovelovelove. 

we KNOW we will be better off next month, and hopefully the following once my financial aid comes in. its just a bump in the road. its my hope and plan that my bumps become your lessons and even if you find yourself here, you know that we have too and have gotten out of it. 

never give up. 

i love you Julian. 

i love you Maya.

:)

No matter where baba sits...you'll find him :)

my girl!

cuddles with daddy

blazer game!

cuddles with baba!

and this. this image below shows what you do when youre tired (baba used to do something similar). when i give you a bottle of our milk you fight with yourself...one second you have in your bebo, the next the bottle, the next the bebo...next the bottle :) all the while getting your head like this. SO cute! i LOVE your sleepy little head :)

The mom in me thats just for you.

Mamma has been having a rough day.

I am missing the things i never got the chance to have. 

parents. 

I dont talk much about my mother and father, because it is rough for me. I dont want to speak ill of this man and woman, but i dont have much nice to say, very few positives to point out. 

the bottom line is that I dont feel as though i am a loved child. I dont have a home to always go back to. I dont have a father deserving of walking me down the aisle. until last year, he didnt know the correct way to spell my middle name, and in the past he has been a month off in wishing me a happy birthday. He is not a bad man. while we dont see eye to eye on things he is not a "dead-beat" like some. 

we didnt see each other or speak for about 13 years. we found each other, and it has been so hands off since. but again, he isnt a dead beat. he isnt lazy or corrupt. He had his own business for years, a house, a family. He has a wife he has been with for 20 years. he has 2 other daughters with her that he loves and is fiercely proud of. unfortunately he also is an out of sight out of mind type fella, and myself and another daughter of his are not on his radar. 

He and I have seen each other, we send messages every now and then, but there is no long term investment in the process of parenting. We spent so much time apart mentally that i just dont think he knows how to be the father i needed. He hasnt had a listening ear, or a willingness to work tooth and nail to have his oldest as a priority. He loves to see pictures of you two, but has not seen you in person at all, nor seen Julian of his own volition since his birth. 

He is just absent. when i let myself think of it...i feel so unloved. unworthy. unappreciated and unfdathered. 

my mother. she was wonderful until my former stepfather introduced her into a world of bad. she eventually divorced him, but remained in a bad way, partaking in substance abuse that has never stopped affecting me. You see, she forced me out of the home when i was 16, and though she has since stopped using, our relationship has never recovered. she has never sought forgiveness, never admitted fdault. never worked on it. I have not spoken to her in quite awhile. she has not called. yet feels as though i owe her something. 

today this bothers me. I watched a woman on television who was visiting with her mother, and there was this incredible connection between the two. she was a woman in her 40s and her mother was in her 60s, yet the relationship was wonderful. proof that parenting continues until death and beyond. its not an 18 year gig, thankfully.

It made me realize i spent childhood, my teenage years and early twenties in sadness...and thats not going to end as i get older. ill always miss it. ill always be yearning for that something. 

I want nothing more than a lifelong commitment to you and then some. there is a special bond between a mother and her daughter. one i dont take lightly. i had never experienced it personally until i had you sweet girl. i never knew what it was like or that it existed, and honestly it made me so apprehensive about having a daughter. and then i saw you. and something clicked. something made sense. you are everything i never knew i always wanted, and i never want anything less than what i know we have between us.

but here is the lining...the kicker...i get to BE THAT for YOU. 

oh maya. 

im so excited to be on this end of the deal.

i dont promise it will be easy. 

i dont promise i will clean your room or pick up your toys. 

i dont promise a made bed everyday...or likely any day. 

i dont promise a world without hurt. 

i dont promise riches and everything your heart desires to own. 

i dont promise to like everyone you like or love everyone you love...at least at first. 

i dont promise we wont fight or that we will see eye to ye on everything. 

i dont promise i wont make you cry or make you angry. 

i dont promise we will always be best friends or that you will even like me sometimes (though admission of that hurts my heart in so many ways). 

I dont promise that you wont fall down, or that i will catch you before it stings.

i dont promise skies with no rain. 

i dont promise a life without worry or want or fear. 

i dont promise perfection.

BUT

 i promise you to be the mother you deserve, imperfectly perfect for you. 

i promise when you are confused, ill listen. 

i promise when you skin your knee i will kiss it better and put the band aid on it. 

i promise when your heart breaks be it a boy, a dream, anything, i will be there, you can always crawl into my lap and i will play with your hair. 

i promise when you have a bad dream, i will kiss you, reassure you, and make it better. 

i promise i will do everything in my power to protect you, without sheltering you. 

i promise i will make you mad for the best intended reasons. 

i promise i will try to not embarrass you in front of your friends. 

i promise to put good food in your belly, dress you in clean clothes, and make sure you have electricity and warmth and love. 

i promise i will have a hard time letting you go on dates, and learn about love, and seeing you marry. but i promise i will let you do it when the time is right for you. I promise i will love your love. i promise you cant be a person that will dispapoint me. 

i promise we will have mommy and maya dates. we will go to movies and go to restaurants and have tea parties when youre young and coffee dates when you are older. 

I promise i will have to tell you no sometimes, and i promise you might not always understand it, but i promise everything i do is out of love. and i promise you wont be mad forever. 

i promise i will make you so mad, and that sometimes you might even try to go to bed angry at me...but i also promise to annoyingly try to make it better before we sleep. 

i promise you sleepvers in our room, and when youre older, sleepovers with friends. 

i promise to be very clingy, and my love will sometimes overpower your young desires. i promise this. 

i promise to hold hands sometimes while we sit on the couch, and i promise to kiss you before we get in the car for school in the morning if you dont want your friends to see.

 i promise to tell you whats on my mind when you start making friends, making dates, making plans. 

i promise to teach you all about what it means and entails to be a lady, a female, a woman. 

i promise to talk to you openly and earnestly. 

i also promise sometimes i will tell you stories of my life repeatedly, and i promise i will pretty it up to prove my motherly point. 

but i promise to be an open book. 

i promise to cherish you. 

i promise that i will give you no reason to EVER doubt my love for you. 

i promise that i will work to give you the emotional attention you deserve specific to YOU as a person, and also the material things, within reason. 

I promise to work hard in my own part of our life to show you what you can do. 

i promise to support you, your dreams, your hopes, your endeavors. 

i promise to listen to your fears and be honest and also to protect you still. 

i promise i cant protect you from heartache, but i promise to be there. 

i promise to appreciate and love your independence, but know that i will always be waiting for you, eager to hear your stories and be your home. 

i promise to love your daddy, respect your daddy and appreciate your daddy. he is a good good man, and no matter our past present or future...he is the best daddy ever to you, and i promise to honor that. 

i promise bad haircuts, scrapes, bruises, bumps, adventures, daydreams and nightmares, i promise unlimited cuddles and laughs and groans and grins. i promise you everything under the sun within my reach and a little beyond. 

i promise to teach you my mistakes but know youll make your own. 

i promise that you can come to me ANYTIME. 

i promise to have uncomfortable talks to you, openly and honestly. i promise that while you will fear talking to me about sex, pregnancy, periods, boys or girls, marriage, love, sexual orientation...that I will not fear talking to you about it. 

i promise to kiss you every day, hug you even more, and tell you i love you often. 

i promise i will think about you so much more than you can even imagine. i promise to miss you while you are away at school...be it kindergarten or college. 

i promise to play in the mud with you, play play doh with you, play princesses or cops and robbers with you. i promise to play soccer with you. play basketball with you. play pretend and play house with you. 

i promise to let you find your religion, your faith, your beliefs. 

i promise to love everything i see in you, what you are, were and will be. 

i promise pictures...more than you probably want to take.

i promise a LOT of laughter. a LOT. im really funny. 

i promise to never give up. 

you will always be my baby. my littlest. my girl. 

and i promise to work my entire life to be worthy of being your mamma.

its such a gift to me. and i promise that you will NEVER have to feel the way i have felt. my entire life, from february 15th 2012 forward is for YOU. for YOUR happiness. Safety. Love. Laughter. Life. 

i promise you ME. 

i love you Maya Narae. 

i promise.

Man alive you are BEAUTIFUL.

Brother and Sister.

Family :)

Pictures :)

a little love lesson

one day sweets, youre going to meet an amazing person. someone you love and who loves you. there will be laughter and butterflies and this overwhelming sense of respect and care for that person. they will become such an important part of your life and you will keep them by your side through everything. 

and it wont always be easy. 

but i tell you these things to help you through that rough time. because in that moment, you might not know what to do. 

is that you should never walk away from a relationship while in a fight

because you sometimes say what you dont mean, to express what you DO mean, and it coes out ALL wrong.

people say "dont go to bed angry" but i know that is downright impossible sometimes. so i say "go to bed with your emotions IF YOU MUST, but give a kiss and an i love you before you fall asleep.

its okay to be angry, but know when you need space and time to think, and do not name call. cursing is all right if you need to emphasize your point. but dont name call. you are so so much more than that.

love.

sometimes when we are in a fight, when we are in a rough spot, your lover needs you. there are times Daddy has fought with me, only because he needed me. not to be a jerk. read your love, know what is needed and dont always be defensive.

for better or for worse was a phrase not invented because it is pretty, but invented because sometimes fights can be ugly. love is always beautiful. and know that sometimes things will happen and it will be rough, but there aint nothing like a soul mate.

you will know who is right and when they are right and when you are right and when you just want to be right.

but you and the right one will makeit.

also...i expect him to ask our permission to marry my baby girl :) just saying.

love you sweets.

watching you grow

As i type this you are crawling all around, finding toys to play with and cords to try and play with before i tell you"no" :) you think im funny really. 

i think about the years to come. years where you are big, toddling all around, hair longer and in barettes, wearing shoes and flats and ballet slippers, wearing dresses and tights and big kid clothes. 

im SO excited to see what my girl is like as she grows. 

and im excited to get to see it as it happens! i get to help you learn and be there for all your experiences. ill never leave your side. promise ill be your mama forever sweet girl.

im so happy youre MY girl. 

my sweet sweet Narae. 

just looking at you, talking to you gives me GREAT happiness. 

i hope you always feel that love. 

:]

Love.

I'm in love.
I've never loved another like I love each of you. So individual our loves our, and so familial.

You are my everything. My breath. My life.

I am always with you.

Thank you

For letting me cuddle you. Lately you have wanted to sleep alone but today you let me cuddle you to sleep. You had a fever and I cuddles you against my skin. And wouldn't you know, just like a new mom and her newborn, our temperature regulated. You are not feverish and you are resting. :)

I love you sweet narae.