The mom in me thats just for you.

Mamma has been having a rough day.

I am missing the things i never got the chance to have. 

parents. 

I dont talk much about my mother and father, because it is rough for me. I dont want to speak ill of this man and woman, but i dont have much nice to say, very few positives to point out. 

the bottom line is that I dont feel as though i am a loved child. I dont have a home to always go back to. I dont have a father deserving of walking me down the aisle. until last year, he didnt know the correct way to spell my middle name, and in the past he has been a month off in wishing me a happy birthday. He is not a bad man. while we dont see eye to eye on things he is not a "dead-beat" like some. 

we didnt see each other or speak for about 13 years. we found each other, and it has been so hands off since. but again, he isnt a dead beat. he isnt lazy or corrupt. He had his own business for years, a house, a family. He has a wife he has been with for 20 years. he has 2 other daughters with her that he loves and is fiercely proud of. unfortunately he also is an out of sight out of mind type fella, and myself and another daughter of his are not on his radar. 

He and I have seen each other, we send messages every now and then, but there is no long term investment in the process of parenting. We spent so much time apart mentally that i just dont think he knows how to be the father i needed. He hasnt had a listening ear, or a willingness to work tooth and nail to have his oldest as a priority. He loves to see pictures of you two, but has not seen you in person at all, nor seen Julian of his own volition since his birth. 

He is just absent. when i let myself think of it...i feel so unloved. unworthy. unappreciated and unfdathered. 

my mother. she was wonderful until my former stepfather introduced her into a world of bad. she eventually divorced him, but remained in a bad way, partaking in substance abuse that has never stopped affecting me. You see, she forced me out of the home when i was 16, and though she has since stopped using, our relationship has never recovered. she has never sought forgiveness, never admitted fdault. never worked on it. I have not spoken to her in quite awhile. she has not called. yet feels as though i owe her something. 

today this bothers me. I watched a woman on television who was visiting with her mother, and there was this incredible connection between the two. she was a woman in her 40s and her mother was in her 60s, yet the relationship was wonderful. proof that parenting continues until death and beyond. its not an 18 year gig, thankfully.

It made me realize i spent childhood, my teenage years and early twenties in sadness...and thats not going to end as i get older. ill always miss it. ill always be yearning for that something. 

I want nothing more than a lifelong commitment to you and then some. there is a special bond between a mother and her daughter. one i dont take lightly. i had never experienced it personally until i had you sweet girl. i never knew what it was like or that it existed, and honestly it made me so apprehensive about having a daughter. and then i saw you. and something clicked. something made sense. you are everything i never knew i always wanted, and i never want anything less than what i know we have between us.

but here is the lining...the kicker...i get to BE THAT for YOU. 

oh maya. 

im so excited to be on this end of the deal.

i dont promise it will be easy. 

i dont promise i will clean your room or pick up your toys. 

i dont promise a made bed everyday...or likely any day. 

i dont promise a world without hurt. 

i dont promise riches and everything your heart desires to own. 

i dont promise to like everyone you like or love everyone you love...at least at first. 

i dont promise we wont fight or that we will see eye to ye on everything. 

i dont promise i wont make you cry or make you angry. 

i dont promise we will always be best friends or that you will even like me sometimes (though admission of that hurts my heart in so many ways). 

I dont promise that you wont fall down, or that i will catch you before it stings.

i dont promise skies with no rain. 

i dont promise a life without worry or want or fear. 

i dont promise perfection.

BUT

 i promise you to be the mother you deserve, imperfectly perfect for you. 

i promise when you are confused, ill listen. 

i promise when you skin your knee i will kiss it better and put the band aid on it. 

i promise when your heart breaks be it a boy, a dream, anything, i will be there, you can always crawl into my lap and i will play with your hair. 

i promise when you have a bad dream, i will kiss you, reassure you, and make it better. 

i promise i will do everything in my power to protect you, without sheltering you. 

i promise i will make you mad for the best intended reasons. 

i promise i will try to not embarrass you in front of your friends. 

i promise to put good food in your belly, dress you in clean clothes, and make sure you have electricity and warmth and love. 

i promise i will have a hard time letting you go on dates, and learn about love, and seeing you marry. but i promise i will let you do it when the time is right for you. I promise i will love your love. i promise you cant be a person that will dispapoint me. 

i promise we will have mommy and maya dates. we will go to movies and go to restaurants and have tea parties when youre young and coffee dates when you are older. 

I promise i will have to tell you no sometimes, and i promise you might not always understand it, but i promise everything i do is out of love. and i promise you wont be mad forever. 

i promise i will make you so mad, and that sometimes you might even try to go to bed angry at me...but i also promise to annoyingly try to make it better before we sleep. 

i promise you sleepvers in our room, and when youre older, sleepovers with friends. 

i promise to be very clingy, and my love will sometimes overpower your young desires. i promise this. 

i promise to hold hands sometimes while we sit on the couch, and i promise to kiss you before we get in the car for school in the morning if you dont want your friends to see.

 i promise to tell you whats on my mind when you start making friends, making dates, making plans. 

i promise to teach you all about what it means and entails to be a lady, a female, a woman. 

i promise to talk to you openly and earnestly. 

i also promise sometimes i will tell you stories of my life repeatedly, and i promise i will pretty it up to prove my motherly point. 

but i promise to be an open book. 

i promise to cherish you. 

i promise that i will give you no reason to EVER doubt my love for you. 

i promise that i will work to give you the emotional attention you deserve specific to YOU as a person, and also the material things, within reason. 

I promise to work hard in my own part of our life to show you what you can do. 

i promise to support you, your dreams, your hopes, your endeavors. 

i promise to listen to your fears and be honest and also to protect you still. 

i promise i cant protect you from heartache, but i promise to be there. 

i promise to appreciate and love your independence, but know that i will always be waiting for you, eager to hear your stories and be your home. 

i promise to love your daddy, respect your daddy and appreciate your daddy. he is a good good man, and no matter our past present or future...he is the best daddy ever to you, and i promise to honor that. 

i promise bad haircuts, scrapes, bruises, bumps, adventures, daydreams and nightmares, i promise unlimited cuddles and laughs and groans and grins. i promise you everything under the sun within my reach and a little beyond. 

i promise to teach you my mistakes but know youll make your own. 

i promise that you can come to me ANYTIME. 

i promise to have uncomfortable talks to you, openly and honestly. i promise that while you will fear talking to me about sex, pregnancy, periods, boys or girls, marriage, love, sexual orientation...that I will not fear talking to you about it. 

i promise to kiss you every day, hug you even more, and tell you i love you often. 

i promise i will think about you so much more than you can even imagine. i promise to miss you while you are away at school...be it kindergarten or college. 

i promise to play in the mud with you, play play doh with you, play princesses or cops and robbers with you. i promise to play soccer with you. play basketball with you. play pretend and play house with you. 

i promise to let you find your religion, your faith, your beliefs. 

i promise to love everything i see in you, what you are, were and will be. 

i promise pictures...more than you probably want to take.

i promise a LOT of laughter. a LOT. im really funny. 

i promise to never give up. 

you will always be my baby. my littlest. my girl. 

and i promise to work my entire life to be worthy of being your mamma.

its such a gift to me. and i promise that you will NEVER have to feel the way i have felt. my entire life, from february 15th 2012 forward is for YOU. for YOUR happiness. Safety. Love. Laughter. Life. 

i promise you ME. 

i love you Maya Narae. 

i promise.