i wish i could take it away

i wish i could take away this last week.
wipe it away from history, from memory, from existence.
for many reasons which i will explain in a moment.

number 1: i wish i didnt have to tell you, or you find out. i wish that this didnt have to be a reality that infiltrates your lives.

ill be brief, as details arent important to my message to you.

my sweet beautiful children. you are good in this world. you are, as you sit right now, caring loving individuals. Julian - you earn money for your share jar, and you give it! to the human society for the kitties and doggies to "have treats and toys" or to buy sister presents for the holidays. you GIVE. you havent asked to use the money for you and i love that you understand we GIVE that money. you help me color pictures and cards for soldiers deployed overseas. you accompany me on various trips and you ask questions about the things we do for others.
Maya - you are so small, yet i see in you a growing good. your favorite things are pacifier (bebo), your milks, and toys...and you readily share them. you hold your bebo to me and put it in my mouth, you offer to share your milks, you give me your toys. i see in you a learning of "here...have this!" and im so amazed. i know as you grow older this will be cultivated into pure loving kindness.
i see amazing things in you. and it isnt just you. Yesterday Daddy dressed up as Santa and volunteered at an Easter Seals event for children with disabilities and those in therapy. He colored with them, talked to them, listened to them. He was their light!

the part that is hard, is that while there is good in this world, there is also bad. and sometimes bad things happen in such a large capacity that we hear about the bad things much more than the good.
turn on the news any day fo the week and you hear of the bad, the negative, the horrible...and every now and again something good will be highlighted, but the overtones are all tragic. its my wish for you that you only watch the news when its important...otherwise youll just get sucked in.

but this week, when some of the world celebrated the miracle that is hanukkah, there has been tragedy.
to put it shortly: a bad man walked into our local mall, and took 2 people away from their family members. and then he took himself.
days later, another bad man took 26 people away from their families, and 20 of them were little ones. and then...he took himself.
another man entered a hospital across the country, and hurt 3 people...but those people are going to be okay.
the how, the why...not as important as the fact that it is what it is. there is hurt all around us right now...and people are scared and pained.

i tell you this knowing you wont read it until youre older...but all i could do was hug you yesterday, kiss you and tell you repeatedly the things i say t you on a regular basis...you are my world...i love you...you mean everything you me, you made me a better person. you gave me life and before you i dont have many memories. you brought me LIGHT! and i know you will bring forth life and light to others.

I also wish i could just bring those precious ones back. all of them. i wish that i could go back to before this happened...and save not only those that were hurt so badly...but the one who did the hurting. id want someone to save them. id want someone to save this from happening. so much hurt!

i want you to not have to see this. i want to protect you. i want to make this world better so that when you are 26 and your babies are sleeping...you dont have to worry and fear and feel this heaviness about things.

i promise you, my loves, i am doing everything i can to give you a world you can believe in. im doing all i can to give other people hope and faith in humanity.
im living "Tikkun Olam" as best as i possibly can and im doing my best to raise you that way.
sometimes when you hear these horrors its easy to feel small and insignificant. but i promise you i will highlight the good in this world, even at the risk of being obnoxious. i will give you a reason to hope and dream and smile.

and i will do my best to raise you with confidence and happiness and love and morals and hope.
i wont waste my moments with you.
i will spend my days showing you light and love and kindness, and holding you accountable for anything less.
its hard to come to grips with things that happen these days. we strive to make sense of things that cant be made sense of. we want to find answers to questions no one should ever have to ask. theres so much hurt...all we can do is be light, so that darkness will be abolished.

this is mighty emotional for me to write, my loves. so i will have to continue this later.
know that all i hope for you is love and goodness. i want you to feel love and goodness, be love and goodness and give love and goodness.

i hope daily i can be that for you.